Want to play Augusta National?

   I was walking along the fairway on the first hole Saturday and ran into a man I've known and respected for decades. He is connected, the man is, and he said he was going to play Augusta National Golf Club Monday. He said it as matter of factly as we would talk about going to the driving range.

   I asked him what playing the course was like. And he asked, "Do you want to play?"

   Now, I have not played golf in 25 years. I used to play, however. And then came the worst shot of my life.

   A buddy and I were going to play one Monday morning on a course outside Charlotte. We work together, and a third guy, who was not very popular and you'll see why, asked if he could join us. We said, um, sure. 

   But it rained the day we were supposed to play and my friend and I decided to cancel. So I called the third guy. And third guy said, come on, don't cancel, I never get to play, the rain isn't bad, we'll have fun, please. 

   So we reluctantly agreed to meet him at the golf course. 

   He failed to show up.

   I hit the ball off the first tee as hard as I could and knocked the ball into a field across the street. I played the ball from there, and finished the hole with a 14. I could never get my game back, and after a few more failed rounds I gave my clubs away.

   Augusta National would be a fine place to make a comeback. It would be a column, certainly. But this golf course means too much to too many people, and I'd feel as if I was making a mockery of the course, and of them. 

   So I reluctantly declined.  

Comments

[Hootie Johnson]

Good Idea, you look like you have the hand eye coordination of Helen Keller.

[Sam Snead]

Can I take your place?

[jon]

If you stunk, don't say anything to anyone. What are you, crazy? I haven't played in a year, am an 18 handicapper (at best), and would do it in an instant! This is Augusta National. You will NEVER get that chance again. Pick the 18 best women of all time and they all want to "spend time" with you, one after another. DO you say NO out of fear of embarrassing yourself or do you saddle up and give it a go?!?

Tom, I really think you'll regret this later in life.

[steve]

I'm kind of confused. Newspapers are cutting back left and right. The Observer is slashing jobs weekly. News and Sports coverage has been scaled back. Yet, there are THREE Observer writers in Augusta this week. Oh yeah, and they're not covering any local stories. It's stuff we can read on national websites or in national newspapers anywhere.

I'm wondering if someone from the Observer can explain that decision not only to the readership, but to the folks losing their jobs. Do you really need to pay for THREE writers to be on what amounts to a vacation out there. Or do the Green's just have that much pull?

[John B. (Down goes Frazier)]

Good, common sense, decision Tom---I understand.

[annnort1]

OMG, you NEED to play it!! Just say you are playing for fun and do not keep score.
That way you can just pick up your ball if you are having a bad hole. Not that many people have ever played at the Masters course! You can tell your grand children that you played it! My husband and I have been to 2 Masters - once on practice day and once on par 3 day. It was great! Wish I could say I had played it! Go for it, Tom!

[Joe]

Why are you there? To hasten the end of the paper?

You've said you don't like golf or golfers. Perhaps you are just writing from your house because your lack of good feelings for the game reflect in your shallow articles.

[THE GREAT ZAP]

SHALOM. OH GREAT ALLAHIC UNIVERSAL OMNICIENT OMNIPOTENT POWERFUL MOST HOLY MESSIANIC DIVINE TIGER G-D WE WORSHIP THEE. THOU ART THE GREAT TRUTH THE WAY AND THE LIFE FOR US PEONS. WE ART BUT HUMBLE UNWORTHY PEASANTRY BEFORE THOU GREATNESS AND WE BOW OUR UNWORTHY SELVEZ TO THOU EVEN THOUGH THOU DOTH NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR GREAT MASSIVE SHEEPLE FLOCK WHO ADORE THEE AND HANG ONTO EVERY WORD EVERY STROKE EVERY PUTT AS PROPHECTIC AND DIVINE. WE UNDERSTAND THOU HAS TOTALLY SUCKEST BADLY AS OF THE PAST YEAR OR SO AND YOU MAY BE WASHETH UP BUT STILL WE WORSHIP THEE AS THE ALL GREAT ALL KNOWING ALL POWERFUL GREAT ONE THAT THOU ARE AND THOSE WHO DISAGREE CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF UP THE AZZ WITH A RUBBER HOSE.

OH GREAT MASTER WE ARE NOT WORTHY ...

[watchdoggin]

hoe can a grown man, who isnt a fag. make a 14 on any hole?

[james mathis]

TS,

next time you will say "yes, why thank you for the generous offer.." then you walk outside of the grounds of augusta, use your cell phone and call me immediately.

j. mathis

[TheCivitasStatue]

The why did the Observer choose you to join the other useless staff writers down in Augusta? I'm sure there's an intern or janitor somewhere in that building that could have written something interesting after a week in Augusta.

[roger]

three words ace: should-have-played

[JOHN WAYNE KICKED CANCERS AZZ]

AS THE HEAD BASKETBALL COACH OF UNC HEAD ROY WILLIAMS WOULD SCREAM OUT AT THE TOP IF HIS LUNGS INSIDE THE DEAN DOME A FEW MONTHS AGO:

F U C KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

(THAT GOT A CMS FOOTBALL HS COACH SUSPENDED FOR A WHOLE YEAR INCREDIBLY UNFAIR PUNISHMENT BUT ROY GOT A PAT ON THE BACK AND WON THE NCAA TITLE)

DAMNNNNNNNNNNN

THOMAS SORENSEN IS BY GOD THE BEST GODDAM SPORTZ WRITER IN AMERICA HANDZ DOWN AND HE KNOWS IT AS WELL AS ALL THE REST

WE KNOW HE CAN KICK THE AZZ OF THIS CANCER BECAUSE WE KNOW (AS THE GREAT RICHARD PRYOR SAID IN 1975) "JOHN WAYNE KICKED CANCERS AZZ AND SAID CANCER GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE CANCER ..."

OTHERWISE A LOT OF READERS WILL BE KICKING YOUR AZZ IF YOU DONT KICK ITS AZZ AND THAT A PROMISE DUDE ...

U CAN DO IT WE KNOW YOU CAN
WE HAVE 100% CONFIDENCE IN U

[Glenn Carlson]

Tom I can`t believe you have not played golf in 25 years. You were the one that tried to teach me to golf. Now I know why you don`t golf. I don`t golf either.