I'm not an anarchist. I don't believe in violence, and I hate the way they dress.
But my assignment, an assignment I want desperately, is to go on the road to cover the Charlotte Bobcats' opening playoff games.
And if they opened in Toronto, I had a problem. I allowed my passport to lapse. Last time I was in Canada I didn't need a passport. But the laws have changed.
So, this one time, I would have to avoid the law and illegally cross into Canada. My adventure would be like the playoffs. Lose and go home.
I wouldn't want to pay somebody to smuggle me in. I wouldn't want to use a tiny flashlight and crawl in the middle of the night. My knees would get sore. Plus I'd ruin my jeans.
When I worked for the Minneapolis Tribune I did a few stories in a remote town, a very cool and interesting town, called Warroad, in Minnesota. It's on the Canadian border and when I was there I spent time with the border patrol.
My plan was, with the assistance of Canadian operatives who are NBA fans, to stash a car, something nobody would notice, such as a Camry, near Muskeg Bay on Lake of the Woods. I'd hide it beneath trees. Or snow.
I'd walk across the border from Warroad, or run, retrieve the car and calmly drive 310 miles east to Thunder Bay, a city on Lake Superior in which I also have spent time. To avoid attention, I wouldn't exceed the speed limit. Also, I'd use my turn signal, which I do, anyway.
In Thunder Bay I'd change cars. I can't think of any Canadian car manufacturers so I'd get something outdoorsy, like a giant SUV. Except, unlike most drivers of giant SUVs. I wouldn't come to a stop every time I approached a crack, twig or speed bump.
Then I'd calmly drive 862 miles east to Toronto. Life outside the law would be difficult, my friends. The biggest problem would be how to get the Observer to reimburse me for the Camry and the giant SUV.
Finally I would slink into Toronto, a man with no past, on the run, with only his instincts and corporate credit card to guide him.
Sounds kind of cool, the ultimate road trip.
But so is Miami.